Invictus 2

In a nation that lives and breathes rugby, their national team (the All Blacks) have spent the last 24 years without getting their hands on the William Webb Ellis Trophy despite being raging hot favourites at every opportunity. But this time things are different - the tournament has returned back to New Zealand where it all started, and the mighty All Blacks boast a team jam-packed with superstars of the game. The pool play fixtures all go to plan and the entire nation are convinced that their boys and black are going to go all the way.

But just like every other sporting movie plot, everything that can go wrong - does. Prior to the final pool game vs minnows Canada, star first five Dan Carter (played by Dan Carter) tears his groin and scrotum open at the captains run and is ruled out of the tournament. The nation pauses in shock (eftpos goes down, the dollar dives, all traffic lights pack it in) and the focus shifts to back-up first five Colin Slade (played by a 14 year old boy off student job search). Colin has the weight of the country on his shoulders and gets through the Canada game with a mixed performance. He then controversially fakes an injury exactly the same as Dan Carters in the quarter-final and goes back home to Christchurch to hug his mum.

Worst-case scenario has now become a reality. The mighty men in black are down to their 3rd string first-five. And low and behold, ex-cancer patient Aaron Cruden (played by Elijah Wood) gets summoned from the stands at the quarter final and has to sober up and join the All Blacks camp to take them through the rest of the tournament. Experienced campaigner Conrad Smith (played by Antony Starr) takes young Aaron aside and gives him a bit of honesty juice about the situation, he ensures Aaron that the team supports him and tells him now is the time to grow some balls (subtle joke to lighten the mood of such a tense situation).

In a sub-plot to the movie, team larrakin Cory Jane (played by Robert Downey Jr) and Israel Dagg (played by Cliff Curtis) go out drinking and get absolutely shit-faced. Cory spews up on a 7 year old asking for an autograph and completely oblivious to those around him, lights up a cigarette and slurs to those looking on in horror 'wvvwhat aaareee yoooou llookn aat'. Israel is equally drunk but seems to be able to hide it better than Cory. The two get punished by the All Blacks coaching staff by having to run up and down the stands in Eden Park 19 times, one for every Heineken (product placement) they drunk the night before. Cory then has to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes back to back in front of Graham Henry (played by Anthony Hopkins) and Steve Hansen (played by Meatloaf). 


The All Blacks tournament progresses as planned despite this injury shock and they dispatch of the Wallabies in the semi-final with an epic performance which unites the nation. They then find themselves in the grand final, the big dance, the main event. They are opposing historic World Cup foes the French but after storming over them in pool play, the trophy seems to be theirs for the taking. In the build up to the final, Jerome Kaino (played by Robbie Magasiva) and Richie McCaw (played by Liam Neeson) start really stamping their authority on the grand final build up (and the movie).

The final is a battle for the ages and when you thought the script couldn't get anymore ridiculous, Aaron Cruden gets a horrific knee injury at the end of the first half. This sees 4th rank first five Stephen Donald (played by a little known NZ actor to highlight how bizarre it is to see him in the final) enter the fray. At halftime the All Black's lead 5-0 and Graham Henry gives one of those speeches with piano music playing in the background and inspires the All Blacks to pull together and get the choccies. In an extremely bizarre twist of fate that will probably have a few fans screaming expletives at the movie screen, Stephen Donald steps up ultimately kicks the winning penalty goal for the All Blacks, scraping in with a 8-7 victory. The closing scene shows Richie McCaw lifting the William Webb Ellis trophy with a Stan Walker cover of R Kelly's - The World's Greatest playing over the top of it, roll credits.